When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
You Might Also Like
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Animal poetry
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!