*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
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The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?