Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
You Might Also Like
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…