[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
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Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.