A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
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[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.