My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
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Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*