Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
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what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
My god she’s good.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.