“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
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Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.