Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
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Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
My last name is Zilla.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.