uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
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when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream