The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
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Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.