When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
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writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Always the camel, never the toe.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.