Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
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I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.