my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
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[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
my astrological sign is a french fry
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?