What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
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Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.