I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
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Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
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How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.