me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
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Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here