I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
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“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Camping tip: No.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Good morning y’all ☀️
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”