LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
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Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO