Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
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Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Scream sneezers need love too.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn