I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
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STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail