My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
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Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
This fish is cracking me up
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.