[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
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I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.