It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
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Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Something Saturday.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.