see you in hell you stupid fruit
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My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Employees must applaud the planets.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun