You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
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“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’