Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
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David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks