You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
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Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I’m giving up ice.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Monday
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.