I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
You Might Also Like
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]