“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
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We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom