I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
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Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
If looks could kill
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok