[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
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Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
From my Mom
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really