My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
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I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE