[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
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Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies