Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
You Might Also Like
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Cndnsd Mlk
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…