Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
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For the ones in the back.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
If you are reading this then you are reading this
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
same bro
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single