It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
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I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
being a writer on Twitter:
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
A sick whale is called an unwhale
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”