I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
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LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Life hack
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?