[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
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me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”