That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
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He is just living hist best little life 😊
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
We avoided this particular disaster
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.