When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
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Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
i hope my email finds you on fire