{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
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My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.