If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
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Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Overindulged this afternoon.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”