Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
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I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Happy weekend !
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]