When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
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Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
My Plans 2020
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava