[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
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2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
This is my bus stop.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport