i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
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I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
started wrapping my pills in cheese
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.