i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
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Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
that lip filler tho
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.