*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
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[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS