*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
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[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?